The Short Happy Life of Canadamochi
by IlluminatedShadow
Summary: Or, alternatively titled, why Alfred is no longer allowed to give Matthew pets and why mochis are no longer allowed at World Conferences and everyone knows Arthur is totally whipped.


So, I needed a little pick-me-up this week (EXAMS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER -curls into a ball-) so I went back and read that weird mochi strips? Yeah, and this was born. I just...I don't even know. This...this has to be...the most useless...stupidest...thing I've ever written.

_I love it. _-srs face-

Warnings: stupidity, disturbing imagery, OOCness, fail, fail, language, mochis, stupidity, crack

Pairing: UK/Can (not the focus though)

Disclaimer: Thank goodness I don't own Hetalia. Imagine the nonsense you all would be subjected to.

* * *

"What is that?" Arthur demanded, his brow furrowed in confusion. He pointed, somewhat accusingly, at the white blob Matthew was nuzzling.

Matthew smiled and held out said blob towards the other nation. "Alfred gave him to me. He called it 'Canadamochi' or 'mochicanada' or something." His smile widened. "Isn't it cute?"

Arthur blinked, gaze shifting from his lover's cheerful expression to the blushing, violet eyed white blob with a matching curl like Matthew's. "Er…" He trailed off, a little uncomfortable by the matching expectant expressions. "Yes?" He said, lifting one hand and poking the blob. It was soft.

The blob giggled, errant curl bouncing. There was a tiny bear head tied around him and when Arthur questioned it, Matthew merely said "A polar bear friend so he won't get lonely."

Then Matthew shoved the thing at him and told him to hold it. Arthur, who had a hard time saying no to Matthew when the blond was wearing that fetching smile, took the blob in his arms and stared at it, noting just how squishy the thing felt. In fact, it almost seemed like it would melt out of his arms.

"Ah…hello." He said awkwardly, a faint blush on his face as the mochi (damn Alfred and his current obsession with Japan's stuff).

"Hello!" The blob chirped back and Arthur nearly dropped the blasted thing in response. Blanching, he continued to stare, stunned, as the creature continued, "Nice to meet you! I…I'm…" the blob began to redden and shake. "I'm…fr-from…my favorite…." Suddenly the poor thing's eyes rolled back in its…head? Body? Whatever. It seemed to be having a fit in Arthur's arms as it kept squeaking out half-formed words and stutters. Then, it seemed to pop, little Canadian flags coming out of bloody nowhere as it began to wave them, its eyes closed.

"Oh no, now you've upset him." Matthew scolded, taking the blob from a stunned Arthur and cuddling it, whispering endearments to his new pet. "He's been practicing in front of the mirror the entire day." Then, with a glare at the Englishman, he stormed off, petting the still trembling mochi.

"…What the bloody fuck just happened?" Arthur mused aloud.

Kumajirou, who had been sulking on the chesterfield at the lack of attention he was receiving from Matthew, piped up. "We've been replaced." The bear grumbled, its head resting on his paws. "Blame America."

Hmm…blame America. He could do that.

* * *

"And its all your fault you wanker! You're a cockblock and a bastard and your political system is a piss-poor knockoff of mine!"

"You done, Iggy?" Alfred asked, more interested in shooting Nazi zombies on his PS3 as the former Empire continued to rant and pace behind him in the living room. "'Cause I—BOOM. HEADSHOT." The superpower began to laugh maniacally as the head of the zombie exploded onto the screen. "That was pretty sweet."

Arthur stopped in his pacing to smack the blond upside the head. "Have you even been listening—"

"Nope."

"Git." The sandy-haired man snarled. "Why did you give Matthew that damned mochi?"

"'Cause he's my broski." Alfred replied, tongue sticking out in concentration as he focused back on his game. "And Mochimerica needed a friend since he seemed to be spending too much time with his lunch lettuce and was calling it daddy. Of course, he and Canadamochi didn't seem to hit it off since Canadamochi starting freaking out and saying he wasn't 'American, eh' over and over and over and then Mochimerica tried to…well, I don't exactly know what but Canadamochi reacted the same way Mattie did when I invaded York." He snickered. "Little guy managed to burn down my garage before I decided that Canada would probably be better suited to take care of him." He paused, sobering. "Also, Tony got jealous of Mochmerica and vaporized him."

Silence reigned for a full minute before Arthur offered, "I'm terribly sorry for your loss?"

Alfred sighed loudly. "Its okay. It's the price we heroes pay. All our loved ones will suffer."

"Okay…and…Just to be clear, you gave your brother, Matthew, a vaguely amorphous blob with slight pyromaniac tendencies?"

"Yeah, I thought they'd have a lot in common." Alfred replied innocently. "Did you want one too, Iggy?"

"No."

Alfred laughed then, pausing his game, and sheepishly scratching the back of his head. "Well, that's too bad…"

* * *

"Where is my tea?"

"Belt up." Arthur ordered, placing a charred scone in front of the dour white blob, staring at its thick eyebrows and top hat with distaste. He reached out to touch it, but the mochi rolled back.

"Don't touch me, please."

"Impertinent little…looks nothing like me." Arthur grumbled, placing a saucer of tea in front of the imperious little blob. He watched as the blob rolled towards it and eventually fell face forward into the warm liquid.

Eventually, in that manner, he drank all the tea.

"This is not normal." Arthur mused, idly petting the mint colored rabbit resting on his shoulder.

* * *

"Oh god, you have one too." Ontario said flatly, looking incredibly displeased when he saw Arthur and his new mochi. "Matt has spent the past few days cooing and aww'ing over the freaky thing and was too busy playing with it to come to my hockey game."

"Your team always loses anyways." Alberta's voice rang out from somewhere in the house. "Maple leafs suck!"

"Go fuck yourself cow-douche!"

"And he has those hideous eyebrows too." Quebec said, nose scrunching in disgust, ignoring the exchange behind him.

"I think they're kind of cute." British Columbia cooed, reaching out to poke the creature.

"Don't touch me, please." The mochi said haughtily.

"And no one cares what you think." Ontario smirked at his fellow province.

"And no one will care if I shove your head up your ass." The pretty province threw back, hands curling into fists.

"May I come in already?" Arthur interrupted.

* * *

Matthew and his provinces seemed to be incredibly focused on the two mochis. Canadamochi had bounced over happily to Englandmochi and had started to introduce himself. Of course, he made it halfway through "pancakes" before he began to shake and glow red and make odd whimpering noises before finally giving up and shaking his two little Canadian flags.

Englandmochi had promptly bounced away.

Which, in turn, made Canadamochi curl up in a corner and make sniffling noises.

Which, in turn, resulted in a very unhappy Matthew who had merely looked at Arthur, one fine eyebrow arched until the Englishman huffed and went to hunt down his new pet (and pointedly ignoring all Manitoba's whispered "someone's whipped" and the resulting snickers).

Eventually he found his mochi in the kitchen and picked up the creature and brought it to eye level. "Listen up you conceited little tosser." He began, frowning, fingers digging into the soft creature (thought it wasn't nearly as soft as the other). "Either you go make nice with that darling little creature and make that darling little creature's darling master happy or I will deep-fry you and serve you with mash and then when you come out charred and tasteless like everything else I cook, I will scrape you out of the pan and into the rubbish bin." He shook the mochi and glared into its beady little eyes. "Mark my words, you will know my displeasure." Then, brightly, he pulled away and asked, "I assume I now have your word as a gentleman that you will conduct yourself in a manner most appropriate?"

* * *

"Aw, they're getting along." Matthew gushed, eyes sparkling as he watched Englandmochi and Canadamochi wave their flags at each other.

"Yes, well, mine was a bit shy. But we had a talk." Arthur smiled, pressing a kiss to his lover's temple.

"Ewww." The provinces chorused.

* * *

Later that evening (after the provinces had been appropriately fed and then appropriately disgusted by the increase in displays of affection between their country and England and had left), Arthur and Matthew found themselves with some time alone in the kitchen when they were cleaning up.

"Not in front of the mochis." Matthew giggled, pushing the Englishman away and trying to look stern. But the pink flush to his cheeks and the glimmer of desire in his violet pools made it difficult for the Englishman to stop.

"Can't help it, love. I just find you so desirous." Arthur purred, carding his fingers through wheat-colored ringlets and kissing the curve of the other's jaw. "Want to touch you…shag you…love you." His voice darkened and he continued, huskily. "Right here. Right this moment."

Matthew moaned softly, hands gripping the counter behind him to steady his self. Violet eyes dark, he smiled softly at Arthur, one hand coming up to cradle his cheek. "Mm, really?" He asked breathily, smirking inwardly when emerald eyes dilated. Tongue flicking out to wet his lips, he continued, "How exactly would you go about it?"

Arthur smirked, downright predatorily, and pressed closer. "First, I'd touch you here—"

High-pitched squeaking and a strange _flump_-ing sound drew both nations' attention over to the mochis.

"What…are they doing?" Matthew asked, still a little breathless.

The strange creatures seemed to be rolling together, soft bodies squishing against each other as they seemed to entwine and merge. Almost like taffy or cake mix being churned.

Both nations stared before horror dawned on their faces.

Then Canadamochi squealed "maple" and Englandmochi squeaked "jolly happy".

Arthur heard himself ask, distantly, "Are they…? Victoria by the grace of _God._"

Matthew shoved his lover, not even feeling guilty for once. "_Tabernak._ Do something!" He demanded, eyes glued on the tumbling mochis. "For the love of Trudeau—"

"I have no love for that man." Arthur huffed, a little insulted that Matthew would, of all people, bring up his former Prime Minister. "And what, exactly, do you propose I do?" Arthur snapped back, feeling something akin to panic and hysteria and _this cannot be happening_ bubbling in his chest.

Matthew had no response, so the nations just stood there, shocked, until the mochis pulled away with coo and lay next to each other, eyes shut peacefully.

* * *

"I did what you said." His pet grumbled, making itself comfortable on Arthur's stomach.

Both had been relegated to the couch for the night at Matthew's word. Apparently, seeing his mochi have sex with Arthur's mochi was rather upsetting.

"I said to 'make nice.'" Arthur repeated, staring at the ceiling. "Not to do whatever _that_ was."

"That was making nice." The mochi sulked. "And it was nice. That one smelled sweet and was soft and I am quite fond of that one."

Arthur blinked, digesting those words. "Yes, well, I suppose you have a point. Its hard not to be fond of either of those two." He laid a reluctant hand on his mochi and patted it lightly. "Sleep well, old chap."

* * *

Arthur woke up to sobbing. Immediately, he shot straight up, hair sticking in all directions and blanket pooling at his waist. "Matthew?" He said loudly, untangling himself from the jumble of sheets. Idly, he realized that his mochi was nowhere to be found.

It had probably gotten stuck in the chesterfield cushions. It had gotten stuck in the plane seat cushions as well on the way over.

Regardless, he ran to Matthew's room, eyes bleary as he stormed in. "Good heavens, poppet. What is it?"

"He's dead!" The Canadian sobbed, holding a little bear head in his hand. Then, he pointed at Kumajirou who was sitting on the rug looking immensely satisfied. "Kumazoo ate him!"

"He tasted like berries." The white bear said in defense, prompting a new wave of sobbing from Matthew. "And he was going stale."

Those words didn't seem to help either because the younger nation was openly wailing now.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't seen the boy this upset in a long time. He didn't really know what to say. But, he kneeled next to the blond and patted his back, pulling him into a hug.

"There, there, lad. Perhaps it was for the best?"

More sobbing.

"He's in a better place?"

"My stomach." Kumajirou offered.

Louder sobbing.

"How about a nice cuppa?"

Matthew gave him a teary, 'you seriously think tea is going to fix my broken heart' look.

"Should I go bully Alfred into making you another?"

That had Matthew looking thoughtful.

* * *

"I thought you didn't like the mochis?" Alfred asked suspiciously, eyeing the hamburger like it was about to bite him.

Arthur waved it in his face again, as though to tempt the superpower. Hey, it had worked before. "I don't, but Matthew seemed to be attached to that creature so—"

"You're afraid he's going to withhold sex if you don't do something."

"Don't be ridiculous—"

Alfred made an odd whipping noise and cackled, snatching the burger. "Just tell Mattie that the mochi would've dried up eventually. Because its true." He pointed at Englandmochi that was now shriveled up. "See? The same thing happened to Francemochi."

The Brit stared at his pet.

* * *

"Now you can spend more time petting me." Kumajirou said comfortingly, bumping his cold nose against Matthew's limp hand. "I don't know who you are, but I like it when you scratch my ears."

Matthew listlessly obliged his polar bear. He really couldn't find it in him to keep being upset at the animal.

But that didn't mean he wasn't still in mourning.

* * *

"Can't we just give him a jelly filled donut or something?" Ontario asked impatiently. "And magic it or whatever. Would that make him less pathetic?"

"Your ability to empathize never ceases to amaze me." Manitoba deadpanned.

"I could cheer him up with a _tarte au sucre._" Quebec offered.

"You'd probably put glass in it." Ontario retorted.

Luckily, New Brunswick placed herself between the two provinces before Quebec could put out his cigarette in Ontario's eye. "Maybe we could—"

"I say we just find a talking jelly donut." Alberta butted in.

Nova Scotia was about to scold the province for interrupting New Brunswick, but was shoved aside by the Yukon.

"You all sound ridiculous." She chided. "We should just give him some space."

* * *

"Oh thank god you're here." Ontario sighed happily. "He's been moping for hours. Please tell me you can fix this."

"I can't fix this." Arthur began.

"No wonder you lost your empire!" The province scowled. "You're useless!"

Arthur glared at the boy and barely managed to convince himself that Matthew would be incredibly upset if he hit the province.

"You're not Matthew's favorite." Was, instead, his incredibly mature response before he brushed past the now-silent boy.

Walking into the living room, he took in a listless Matthew curled up on the couch, petting Kumajirou.

"I thought you were upset?"

"Yes, well, even though Kumaroo is a bloodthirsty, jealous murderer, Nunavut is quite fond of him and sometimes the extra warmth is comforting during the winter." Matthew sighed loudly. "Also, I don't have the will to be angry. Canadamochi's death was the last straw. I can no longer go on living."

"He's been saying these sorts of things all day." Prince Edward Island explained from where she was standing at Arthur's side. "Also, we've agreed, if you can cheer Matthew up, we'll tell Harper that you didn't actually molest Matthew when he was a wee lad."

"You told him what?"

But the province hurried away.

"Matthew, this behavior is very unbecoming."

"I don't care."

"The Leafs lost."

"What else is new?"

"Your Prime Minister thinks I'm a pedophile."

"I saw the way you looked at me when I wore that horrid lacy nightgown. And those bloomers."

"Your mochi would've died anyways. Apparently, their shelf life is less than a week."

Matthew was silent.

"I fed mine to the ducks."

Matthew stared at him in horror. Arthur shifted uncomfortably.

* * *

The nations stared at Arthur quietly. Then, Germany said, "So…we should not have mochi at the next luncheon as a snack because Canada will become emotionally attached to them?"

"That was years ago." Matthew protested but was promptly ignored and silenced by Arthur placing a strategic hand on his thigh and squeezing, prompting a squeak and blush.

And, this, children, is the reason why mochis are no longer welcome at World Conferences.

That, and because after the story of mochi sex, no one really found them appetizing.

Except Japan. But, hey, it's Japan.

* * *

I hate myself for this. But at the same time, I want a Canadamochi. I want to cuddle it and squish it and then pour maple syrup on it and eat it for breakfast. -shot- Okay, jk jk. I just hope I made someone's day. Or minute. Because I needed to write this. As stupid and useless and awful as it was. It needed to be written.

But seriously, I'm a horrible person.

_Mochi sex. I wrote mochi sex_.

-goes to jump off a cliff-


End file.
